Lost Safety
by Diamondinsanity
Summary: Willow thinks about Spike after he died at the end of season 7. AU
1. Gone

Disclaimer: Doesn't belong to me.  
  
A/N: A little Willow/Spike piece. Her thoughts after Spike died in the final battle. Just put Spike in Kennedy's place. But he still wore the amulet and Xander was Willow's anchor to this plane. No Spuffy existed in season 7, either. Season 5 of Angel is the same except Spike's primary concern is Willow's safety, not Buffy's. Angel is Spike's sire and there's no animosity.  
  
*****  
  
When I feel lost, alone and scared, it's scares me that you're always there. I'm not scared that you're there to save me. No, that's not it at all. What scares me is that one of these days I'm going to need saving and you're not going to be there. Then what will I do? You're my love. My life. My soul. You're the only thing that keeps me anchored to this world. You're the only person that doesn't let me lose control of the magic that is deep inside of me. You're the only one that lets me be me. What happens now that you're gone?  
  
You saved the world, but now you're gone. I'll never have you here to save me again. I don't know what I'm going to do with out you. You're going to be so hard to give up. Every one keeps telling me to move on. To forget you. Don't they realize that it's not that easy?  
  
Buffy got to moan over losing Angel for months while he was Angelus, and then even longer after she killed him. No one said a word. But when Oz left me, I was supposed to be better in less than a month. How is that fair? Now I lose Spike, the love of my life. He's only been gone two weeks and everyone's telling me to get over him. Every one but Angel. But I guess he'd understand. I mean as much as Angel and Spike hated each other, Spike was still Angel's childe. Angel still loved him. Still does, I think.  
  
Angel calls me everyday to see how I'm doing, and I'm not even sure. All I know is instead of things getting easier each day they get harder. I wonder of they'll ever get easier.  
  
The phone rings. I pick it up. I answer happily like nothing's wrong. Like I don't feel like dying every time I breathe. The line's silent, but I can hear breathing. "Hello?" I asked again. Just as I'm about to hang up, I hear a voice I never thought I'd hear again, Spike's. He's alive. Well, he's actually a ghosty, as he calls it, and he's in LA. And he wants me to come to him. I can't think. Can't talk. All I can do is repeat over and over in my head, "He's back. He didn't leave you. He's back. He didn't leave you."  
  
***** 


	2. Realizations

I slowly hang up the phone and slide to the ground tears blinding my vision. "He's alive. I can't believe it. He's really alive. Has been for a week, but didn't know how to tell me. He was afraid I wouldn't want him back. Spike can really be an idiot sometimes. Of course I'd want him back. Why wouldn't I? He's my bloody reason for living." I laugh softly at hearing myself use one of his favorite words. My laughing stops as the tears slide down my face.  
  
Vaguely I am aware of soft footsteps entering the room I'm in. "Willow?" Buffy asked softly kneeling down next to me. "Wills, don't tell me you're crying over the bleach blunder's death again. Wills, you are so much better of with out him." Buffy says trying to pull me into a hug. I push her away, laughing softly as the tears continued to flow down my face.  
  
"Buffy." I say softly causing Buffy to stop trying to stand up.  
  
"Yeah, Wills?"  
  
"He's alive." I say simply as I continue to cry tears of joy. "He's in LA. Actually, he's a ghost, but not completely. He's still holding on to his unlife, and Fred's working to corporealize him. Buffy?" I ask as I notice that she had slid down and joined me on the floor.  
  
"That's great, Will." She says softly knowing it's what I want to hear.  
  
"You don't have to Buffy." I say knowing she's only trying to make me happy.  
  
"No, Wills, I have to. You love him, and did you say he was a ghost?" I laugh at her subject change and nod. "Must be driving both him and Angel crazy." I nod again laughing. Buffy stands up telling me she's going to have Giles arrange me a flight to LA.  
  
I nod and stand slowly returning to the window I had been staring out of earlier. "Good bye, Cleveland. It's been fun, but he came back for me. I don't have to worry about him leaving me any more. He can't leave me any more. He's mine. We made sure of it before he- before he died. NO. I'm not going to call it dying because he's back. If it were dying he'd stay dead. But Buffy didn't and she was dead. It was my fault then. This has to be my fault too. He was mine. He made me his. We were linked. Mated if you prefer. I pulled him out of where ever he was. I pulled him out of heaven."  
  
I hear laughing in the back of my mind.  
  
'Funny pet. Like I'd be in heaven. I died saving the world that I tried to end a couple of times.'  
  
"Spike." I breathed not knowing what else to say, besides the fact that I'm now hearing voices.  
  
He laughs again. His voice rich and full, like it was before when...  
  
'Stop it, pet.'  
  
"Stop what?"  
  
'The bleeding pity party. I'm not dead any more, pet.'  
  
"But you were, and"  
  
'Willow luv, stop it. I'm back. I came back for you, luv.'  
  
Suddenly I am aware of ringing. My eyes jerk open as I wake up on the floor of my bedroom by the phone. "Weird dream. Why am I awake?" The phone rings again answering my question.  
  
"Hello?" I answer trembling. It's Angel telling me my flight times. I drop the phone.  
  
I wasn't dreaming. He's back. Oh Goddess, he's back.  
  
***** 


	3. Past and Future

The plane is going to land soon. Soon, I will be with him. With Spike. With my love. My whole reason for living. Then why am I so scared? He's not dead any more. I should be happy. He told me we'd be together forever. At first I didn't believe him. Especially after he died. I just kept wondering why Spike lied to me. But now, now I know he was serious. I didn't think it would be possible to be with someone forever. But it is Spike we're talking about here.  
  
Wonderful Spike who could love with out a soul. But he was a fool and thought he was in love with Buffy. With out a soul, he couldn't tell the difference between love and lust. Then after he tried to rape Buffy, he left to get a soul for her. But after he came back to Sunnydale, he realized that he never loved Buffy. He had loved me the whole time; he just didn't know it.  
  
Not long after he got his soul, I found myself out at dinner with Spike. I had no idea how it happened it just did. I remember him telling me about the night he became a vampire. I think that was when I began to fall in love with him. I still loved Tara, but I knew she would approve of Spike.  
  
After that night, we were never apart from each other for more than a day. A month later, we made love and I was addicted to him. He had some how become my replacement for magic. Instead of craving magic, I craved Spike. Then he made me his. We were mated. Spike told me that it was like a marriage. We belonged to each other for eternity. He also said that sometimes vampires choose the humans they want to spend eternity with by mating with them. When I asked him if that's what he did to me, he just smiled and gently kissed the bite mark.  
  
Now I'm going to see him again. It's been two weeks and I've been craving him like crazy. It's going to be so hard to not touch him, but I'm going to have to try. I love him so much, and if the only way I can see him is in his ghostlike state, then I'm going to see him. He's not going to be a ghost for very long. Even if I have to use black magic, he will not be a ghost for much longer. 


End file.
